Trust is something that we earn, something we give and something that we create together. Trust can be broken in a moment, or over time. But it can be healed too.
If trust is broken, you both need to commit to wanting to change it, to making amends, to sharing remorse if you have done something wrong. I'm sorry is enough, I'm sorry BUT... will only make it linger. If you can allow yourself to feel the hurt the other person felt by your wrong-doing, really feel it and be hurt by the hurt you see and share it, you on your way to healing.
If you have been wronged, when you receive the sincere apology, you have to accept it.
If its an ongoing issue, share what your concerns are and give some recommendations the other person can consider to change their behaviour. Then see it when they do.
Here's some way in which we build and sustain trust:
An unconditional positive regard - giving our partner the benefit of the doubt, without judgement, and acting from a place of goodwill to our partner - which then creates the positive cycle and reinforces that unconditional positive regard.
Empathy - giving and receiving empathy. Yes you may not fully understand where your partner is coming from, you come from different experience and families, but you can take the time to be curious about them, and even if its something they struggle with recurringly , with your giving empathy, example "that is hard for you" "that sucks" "I'm sorry" and if you take the moment and truly put yourself in their shoes, or truly share by creating a bridge (see other blog posts) you truly can feel it. And as you feel it, and you give empathy, you actually can heal your partner. If your partner gives empathy, receive it, as you can be healed and that no longer becomes an issue. Our brain-body system doesn't know if something happened in the past or now, the healing that occurs in the now can impact the past, present and future. It is about seeing your partner.
Confirmation - confirmation is when we spontaneously let our partner know they rock and we see it. It has to be spontaneous, and we all need it, so do it often.
These 3 things are the conditions to build trust. They must be sincere and authentic and congruent - our brain body systems will pick up when we are not being in integrity and the mistrust will deepen, and show itself in protests (often anger or withdrawal or dismissiveness).
To build your trust in yourself or in your relationship book a session with Farhana. For couples you can work with me weekly, or really give your relationship a gift and have a 2 day intensive where we really unravel the survival knot that keeps you stuck and locked in survival mode. Make your wildest dreams possible in just 2 days - sounds impossible? This process as moved couples from anger and mistrust to connection, relaxation and trust. Email me (farhanagoga@gmail.com) to learn more about the Intensive.